"gradually I've come to realise that my house is haunted by the ghost of a dead astronaut"

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

43. Kidman Ruins It

(This is a second scene from the screenplay of the movie version of ‘Nicole Kidman stars in: The Astronaut Dropped’, starring Nicole Kidman (as herself) and Julianne Moore (Kidman on a budget) as the remarkable Stephanie Fey. This scene is dedicated to Nevine Sultan of ‘Dreams, Deliriums, and Other Mind Talk’, who specifically asked for another blog post of this kind.)


The living room of Stephanie Fey in Mordan House is tidy but shabby. All different kinds of furniture and different kinds of ornaments can be seen; the wallpaper also contains different styles on different walls. The carpet is a bizarre dark floral affair and the ceiling is cracked and with flaking paint. There is one large window in the room that looks onto the gravel driveway at the front of the house. There is a closed door that leads to Stephanie's bedroom and, at the other side of the room, a square archway opening onto a short corridor. Stephanie is taking her time in getting dressed, considering her appearance more than usual. She is also wearing make up. Nicole Kidman is present in the room. Her face wears an expression of incredulity.
No, no, no! Absolutely no way! There’s just no possible, conceivable way you can do that! What are you? Crazy?
     (Momentarily stops buttoning her blouse)
Uh, yes, actually. You telling me you hadn’t noticed?
     (Looks down at her feet and lowers her voice)
Good point.
     (Regains her sense of irritation)
But, still, of all the crazy things to do!
I’ve done crazier things.
     (Looks towards the window)
Granted. You have.
     (Looks back at Steph)
But, sweet buggery, this? This!
Calm down. You’re scaring your puppies.
     (Kidman looks down at her breasts, then looks up, confused)
Not to mention your eyebrows. Your nose, even!
     (Puts her hand up to her nose defensively)
Don’t criticise my ENP. My eyebrows, nose and puppies are most perfectly aligned, thank you very much.
     (Points her finger at Steph)
And don’t you try to change the subject!
     (Stops putting on a pair of shoes to look at Kidman purposefully but calmly)
There’s no subject to be changed. The subject is set. It’s not for being changed.
     (Continues putting her shoes on)
Anyway, what other choice do I have?
     (Sits down on a chair and leans towards Steph)
Well, that’s a given! Indeed you are a woman who has very limited choices in life, Steph. Yes, looking at you and your circumstance, you do seem rather lacking in fruitful possibilities. Let's face it, shit does have a tendency to choose you. Bad dress sense chooses you also!
     (Steph looks up, perplexed)
Solitude chooses you certainly. God, even the ghosts of the dead choose you! Yes, admittedly, good choices would appear to be pretty thin on the ground for Stephanie Fey. But, that said, you can't possibly do that!
     (Turning angry)
Don’t ruin this for me!
Steph tries to calm herself and finishes putting on her shoes.
Look, I think it’s laudable that you want to go out and speak to people. Even if it is contrary to what you promised yourself when you entered this house. But surely this is too much! Too much even for you, Steph!
Steph takes her coat from where it lies on a sofa and starts to put it on.
     (While not looking at Kidman)
Yes, it is laudable. Absolutely it is. And, surely, that’s all that matters.
     (Steph looks over at Kidman who is looking out of the window)
Are you listening?
     (Kidman doesn’t reply)
No, you’re not. All the more reason to go out and speak to someone else.
     (Raises her voice in Kidman’s direction)
Someone who will listen!
     (Kidman puts her fingers in her ears)
Jeez, Kidman! You’re imaginary! You don’t need ears to listen – you could listen with your ass if you wanted to!
Steph looks away, looking instead for a handbag. She finds it, and as she moves towards the archway and the short hallway on the other side she glances back at Kidman. Kidman is crouched over a chair, her face pushed down into a pillow on the seat and her bum raised high in the air towards Steph.
What are you doing now?
     (Voice muffled by the pillow)
     (Sighs again)
Right, I’m going.
     (Springing up from the chair)
Fine! Go and speak to Janey Ormsley about the history of this house, and be generally insulted by her without learning anything at all!
     (Steph moves into the hallway and towards the door to her suite of rooms)
While you’re there, at least ask her why she has a dog's testicle on her face!
     (Steph moves towards the front door of Mordan House)
It's called a goiter.
     (Following her)
And ask her when she's going to do something about that great sagging hernia that jangles when she moves. Oh, I loathe how it jangles!
     (Now walking across the gravel towards her car)
It's a bum bag.
     (Stands still at the front door)
And don’t forget your ENP. You’re going to need it. Eyebrows. Nose. Pebbles!
     (Doesn't look round, instead simply mutters acerbically)

Next instalment: 44. That Bitch Ormsley


Dulce said...

Hi luv

Thank you for your beauuuutiful comment

Jen said...

I always look forward to your posts!!!! I love that Kidman has 'puppies' makes me laugh!!!

Can't wait for more!! As always... brilliant!

Eva said...

I am addicted to this story. I love the screenplay posts. You can write just about anything it seems. I feel like I'm there. Brilliant!

Nevine said...

First of all, I'm absolutely honored that you should dedicate one of your posts to me. Yes, I did specifically request this, and I'm so happy I did, because here you are... delivering. And you did it so well!

I like how you're taking charge, here. At the beginning, Kidman was totally in control. Now, you're in the driver's seat. You're doing what you think you should do and I love it. I also like how you told Kidman she was imaginary... bet she didn't see that coming! At this point, Kidman is just pathetic... especially in her attempt to listen with her ass! She can't make you do anything you don't want to do.

I can't wait for the next installment. I really want to see where it's all going... but it does seem to get more and more clear as we follow your adventures in Mordan House. Intriguing, to say the least.

Thanks again, Steph. Much appreciated. You do know I love this screenplay style... immensely!


Stephanie Fey said...

Hi Jen. Don't you think Kidman's puppies should be put into a bag and thrown into a river? Oh, I know that's cats, but sometimes she brings out the worst in me!

Good to see you, Eva. I love your new profile pic too. Always a pleasure to have you stop by. and you're always so kind and generous. x

And hello too to Nevine. It's useful to have readers gently nudge me in particular directions and you're request was a good one, so thank you to you too. Poor Kidman. After all, she's just an idea of a person and that idea is of our creation and not her's. Or, in this case, mine! Yes, she plays a part. But being a superstar must be a little like cooking dishes that you yourself never get to taste - all you see is the reaction.

Thanks again to all of you!

Steph Fey x

Disaster girl said...

So funny! :)

onceuponasunflower said...

This is hilarious! You are a great writer...much emphasis on "GREAT!"

Keep the laughs and incredibly entertaining stories coming!


Stephanie Fey said...

Hey DG. Lovely to see you've stopped by. Been busy lately but I'll stop by your fab blog soon and see how you're getting on. Looking forward to it immensely!

Ponasun! How great to see you! Forgive me if things get bright then dark, bright then dark - this tale is something of a code expressed in the light of a torch, like morse code. But I hope the laughs will never disappear for long. SO grateful for your lovely comments.

Lots of love,
Steph Fey x

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Steph!

I've finally caught up! A very eclectic set of entries, these past half dozen, and very enjoyable. Lost Cosmonauts? Stranger than fiction! The script episodes worked nicely, too.

So. I'm ready for Kidman's Gift!


Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog and was immediately drawn in. I would love to follow- looks like I have some reading to do. Glad that you've decided to follow my little creations- I can't wait to bring them to life with paint.
p.s. love the crit-it's alway appreciated.

roxy said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I greatly enjoyed this scene. I felt like I was there. In fact, I had to go put on a sweater afterward. Perhaps that is because I visited Scotland in March one year, and although I absolutely loved Edinburgh and St. Andrews, I nearly froze! You are excellent! I loved the setting and dialogue. I heard Kidman talking in my head...

Stephanie Fey said...

Grr! Brr! Frr! My compuuter has been on the blink and I've been unable to post ANYTHING!

So I apologise, first up, for the delay in responding to yoour lovely and fascinating comments. Blink? Is that what I called it? Is that what you call it when you're computer doesn't switch on and requires someone to take a look at it, update software, run software, to make it work again? BLINK?

Anyway, Steph's back, and with lots of catching up to do.

Grr! Brr! Frr! I'm still fizzing mad!

Steph Fey x